I Am Not Allowed Caffeine

Caffeine and I have a history.
And by history I mean the same lines as my sexual history, meaning I joke about it a lot but really have almost no personal experience.

I drink mostly caffeine-free sodas, and whatever is in tea. I've had coffee a few times in my life but it's 80% milk and sugar. Even then, I get a headache.

So whatever the fuck possessed me to think that buying a monster before my math final was a good idea NEEDS TO STOP IT.

Why are you so deliciously tempting evil caffeinated drink?

I've had sips of Knife's before and once drank a whole one after getting an hour of sleep the night before.
But that night I got 9 hours. I was rested. Almost awake. Well. And yet...

Here is a more or less chronological order of the affects of monster upon my body in the way I remember it.

Halfway through drinking monster: "I can feel my brain. I can feel all the neurons and particles and atoms in my brain firing off electrical charges to make me think."

*decides froot loops and chocolate milk would be great additions to my breakfast of champions*

Pen witnessed my speedy descent into insanity. That was fun.

Her: "I think you're going insane?"
Me: *eating froot loops as fast as possible* "No I'm not, if I was insane, would I be eating froot loops?"
Her: "Yes!"

Me: "skjbgkjsbv dsfkjvbkdf djgbdfs wowisitjustmeoramItalkingreallyfastormaybetheworldisjustmovingslower?" [assume I talk like this the rest of the time]
Her: "You're talking really fast."

I remembered the ze frank video about sloths. "So if the world is moving slower, then sloths would be deadly right? OH MY GOD SLOTHS ARE GOING TO ATTACK. THERE'S AN ARMY OF SLOTHS ON THE WAY TO SCHOOL TO ATTACK US."

Shortly after finishing monster: "I want to do a backflip. I'm pretty sure I can successfully do a backflip. I never knew how to do a backflip but I'm pretty sure I could do one now."
Her: "Don't do a backflip."

*starts taking test*

It was at this point my brain was working but not exactly the way it should it was going so fast I was jumping from topic to topic with no sense of rhythm or reason so basically TRYING TO DO MATH WAS HARD AND YET I KNEW WHAT TO DO.

My pencil kept falling out of my hand I would be writing and it would fall and I would stare at my hand for a second like "it's not supposed to fall?" and then pick it up and continue mathing.

On the other hand my hand was shaking my crazy and my leg didn't stop bouncing FOR FOUR STRAIGHT HOURS OH MY GOD.

My brain did come up with some great things though.

At one point I discovered the answer to life, the universe, and everything- and then promptly forgot it. It was super deep and not 42 though.

I also suddenly understood physics. Have I ever taken physics or learned much of anything about it? No. But  I knew EVERYTHING.
All I remember is "Physics is the universe singing." which sounds pretty but doesn't really help.

The climax of this caffeine story was the hexagon problem.
It was two hexagons, one inside the other.
And I read the question where they said they were hexagons but suddenly got very paranoid.
What if they were lying? And it wasn't a hexagon?
So I tried to count the sides.
Emphasis on "tried."

1, 2, 3, 4, 5... fdkghkfsdjgnkdfj
Wait, what? No, I need to count that last one.
Again!
1, 2, 3, 4, 5... dskjhgksdfljgnkldfjn
I'm pretty sure something comes after this.
Seven?
No, that's not it.
Um.
What.
Wut.
BRAIN WORK DAMMIT
ooooh pretty shapes
look its a hexagon or so they say
pretty
*blurry blurry* my eyes are out of focus I should probably fix that
tra la la was I doing something? 
right, counting. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5... pretty shaaaaaaaaaaaaapes

So for approximately 30 seconds I lost the ability to count past five.

I wrapped myself in my cape and fell asleep on the ground after the test and the affects wore off. Nice, cold ground. I felt like I had a fever.

My friends pretty much tackled me today when I said I wanted to buy another one.

Acceptable Places to Lose My Virginity

I am a virgin, and plan on keeping it that way for the foreseeable future.
However, my friends have asked me where I plan to lose it.
Well... Any of these would do.

1. Pillow Fort
It would be comfy and safe-feeling and fun and IT'S A GODDAMN PILLOW FORT LIKE WHAT COULD BE BETTER THAN THAT?

2. Tree House
It would have to be pretty well built and have some sort of cushioning but yeah seems fun.

3. Ball Pit
Probably couldn't do this unless you had your own private ball pit... so unlikely. I'll save it until marriage and just install a ball pit in my home.

4. Trampoline
Bouncy, bouncy, bouncy, bouncy...

5. Any Play Ground Equipment
Swings! Slides! It's be fun!

6. Igloo
Especially one made with coloured water in blocks because it would glow a rainbow and you could have a small fire to be warm and lay down mats and lots of blankets and stuff and your body heat to keep hot... in more ways than one.

7. Bed
As long as we can jump on it.

8. Bouncy House
Bouncy, bouncy...

9. Porch Swing
GIANT SWING! ROCKING! I DON'T EVEN KNOW!

10. The Woods
Either in a fort or a blanket spread on the ground or something just the woods are beautiful and nature is beautiful you'd be surrounded by fairies and magic and beauty which is very important for getting naked in front of someone for the first time I think.

Anyway this also is part of my sex bucket list but a lot on my sexual bucket list would not be an appropriate first time story so now... we wait until I actually want to lose it, if ever.

Accomplishments for the Day:

I almost posted this on facebook, but then realized people might think I'm depressed and worry about me, so if you read this: I AM OKAY.
Also, do you capitalize the "for" in the title?


1. Fetal positioned on the bus, they threw water bottles at me to check that I was still alive. Then I turned into a cat.

2. Gave up while walking home so took a nap next to the tennis courts, where my adopted brother found and kidnapped me.

3. I was sad so a stranger bought me hot chocolate, because I refused drugs. I don't really know where I was at the time. Some coffee shop my brother took me to.

4. Instead of blood, my veins are full of sadness, and I occasionally leak it. I'm trying to  spread it to my brother airborne, but he got it because it leaked into the hot chocolate which he finished.

5. The lunch lady complimented my hair.

6. I still do not have mono.

7. The bird poop on the car window was blackberry coloured, so at least it was pretty poop.

8. I made a choice about my harem. It's pretty great.

9. I made it to all my classes, even if I was an hour late to the first one.

10. I made my brother go get my ipod from my dad's house and bring it to me at a restaurant.

11. A hot guy kissed me on the hand and called me beautiful, and I didn't faint in shock, or make a comment about how he watches too much anime.

12. I came out to yet another one of my friends as bi. Apparently she is too. Cool.

13. I turned in all my chemistry homework that was due yesterday, along with my English homework that was due today, even though I did it completely wrong I still got credit. Huzzah!

14. I gave up this morning, so my hair was in a bun, and my shirt and my jacket has the Hogwarts crest on it. Because why not.

15. I still have tally marks all over me from Impossible Astronaut Day. I did a thing! So click this to see me being super adorable. I can say this because I'm currently wallowing in self-hate.

16. My Chemical Romance cheered me up. So.
I FEEL BETTER NOW.

I’ve decided the only point of my life is to experience everything and do stupid stuff now so I can tell great stories to my grandchildren. 

“And that dears is how I ended up with a harem at 15.”

“My principal applauded my carpet angel and moved on.”

“So somehow I managed to convince 10 people to come play Quidditch with me.”

“I made a boy fall in love with me by pretending to be an airplane during lunch.”

“I told her I was Castiel at school that day, and the noise she made was not human.”

I Think I'm Funny

I'm stealing things I've already posted on tumblr and facebook, and a few that I haven't. Maybe. Depends on how much inertia I have left after copying and pasting.

*In karate, practicing self-defense*
Teacher: "Ladies, what's the chances that your boyfriend will be taller than you?"
Me: *quietly* "All of them."
HSG found this funny.

I've completely given up in one of my college classes. I still pay attention, because that's how I was raised, but now I'm multi-tasking and reading fanfiction at the same time.
I write down the notes and contribute but on the inside I'm trying to not smile at the fluff.
Or smut.
I moved to the back of the class so I could plug my laptop in and this guy who usually is playing minecraft kept glancing over and I'm thinking "DUDE STOP YOU'RE TOO YOUNG FOR THIS!" even though he's only a year younger.
Later I saw him reading manga, I'm pretty sure it was Naruto.
I think I made a new friend.

In Speech I had to do an informative speech so I chose about the culture of fangirls.
Yeah.
I know.
It was great because my class is full of jocks so a few nerdy kids new what I was talking about, two girls asked for my tumblr, and I made a bunch of references that went over most of their heads.
BUT THEY DID UNDERSTAND WHAT I WAS SAYING!
I talked about shipping, OTPs, cosplay, the feels, fanfiction (I even made it all educational and good sounding by using Bloom's Taxonomy) and some famous fangirls like David Tennant and Evanna Lynch.
My teacher seemed to enjoy it.
I certainly did.
I was one of the few people to go over the time limit, the only other guy was one talking about cameras through the ages and he had a bunch of them and he really loved what he was talking about and it was really cool. So it showed that when you love your topic, it's hard to shut up.
If you want to hear my speech I sooooo want to give it again and I'll totally film myself doing it if anyone wants to hear it. Just tell me. I'll also cosplay while doing it to demonstrate and use a whiteboard and pictures and everything because I like to be an educational fangirl.
When I was writing it the night before I was procrastinating on tumblr and it was like ARE YOU KIDDING ME I'M LITERALLY WRITING ABOUT THIS AND YET I'M STILL PUTTING IT OFF AND THIS DOESN'T COUNT AS RESEARCH!

I started watching Merlin and it's gotten to the point where I ship Merthur so hard it hurts.
This was about ten minutes into the first episode.
It's only gotten worse.

I woke up with a Captain America mask in my bed a couple weeks ago.
I have no idea how it got there, but you know what they say;
It's better to have slept with Captain America and forgotten than to never have slept with him at all.


I forgot to do laundry so the only pair of underwear I had left isn’t too big exactly but too long so it comes up above the pants line and I hate that so I rolled the top down and then to keep it that way bobby-pinned it in place.
Not my best idea as every time I moved while sitting down I stabbed myself in the leg, but at least it kept me awake at school all day!
(Yes, I did laundry as soon as I got home.)

To the Tune of “We Just Got A Letter”

Please don’t tell my mother,
please don’t tell my mother.
Please don’t tell my mother;
she’ll kill me in my sleep.

I’m watched season seven episode fourteen of supernatural in class a few weeks ago becaus e we weren'tdoing anything and my friend refused an earbud so he sees the two clowns run at Sam and explode in a poof of glitter and I think I scarred him forever.

Someone on tumblr agreed to draw me something because I was her some-large-good-number follower so I asked for her to "Spock-ify" me (spotify, I know, it makes no sense but I couldn't resist) AND IT TURNED OUT TO BE THE BEST THING EVER. Please go check out this awesome person right here I officially love her work.

I have became more Vulcan than ever before.

Me: *explains pink equal sign on red background*
Grandmother: "thank you for explaining. I was really in the dark! Be sure to brush your teeth !!!!"
Me: "Uh. Okay."

Also I would like to point out this is the same grandmother who told me not to date but instead make lots of gay guy friends so I would have guy friends but they wouldn't want to get in my pants.
The sad thing is, her logic does make sense.

My sister sang the same song for the  two hours (I timed it) and it’s not even music it’s more of a wailing like in really bad anime (where I think she got it from) and to be honest if she didn't stop I going to was get my Soul-in-scythe-form and chop her head off.

Did I mention my mom told my other sister to turn Psych down while the first one is wailing at the top of her lungs?

This is why I rarely talk to people on the internet.

True story.

Learned how to play pool.Found it slightly racist. From what I understand, you hit the white ball at other colours to get stuff done, and if you sink the black ball it ends the game.
I'm great fun to have at parties.

I made my stepsisters think I'm insane.
Me: *Jumping up and down, doing my excited arms thing. (I refuse to explain that.)*
Lil Stepsis: "Calm down!"
Me: "No! There are feels to be felt!"

What if you tried to have sex and you had a colonoscopy bag like what would happen would it explode?

If a prostitute was in a dedicated and committed relationship- YES I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LIKE A WEIRD QUESTION BUT JUST WAIT FOR IT- would sex be fun or would it be like taking their work home with them?

My therapist was talking to me about the importance of having goals, so I don't kill myself.
I didn't want to tell her I have a sex bucket list.
(I'm a sad little virgin who plans on keeping it like that for the foreseeable future. I act and talk a lot more sexual than I already am.)
1. Take a red cape as a sex trophy.
This was inspired by a Texts From Last Night.
It also led to the nickname of Super Whore among a few of my friends. Oops.
2. Fool around in the backseat while a friend is driving. 
I feel like this would have to be done where there's no people around. I might slash this one just for the risks.
3. Make Buckcherry's "Crazy Bitch" my theme song.
There's more, but those were the most recent additions.

On the other hand I do have a perfectly normal bucket list, most of which involves buckets because I like buckets, but that's not really funny so I probably shouldn't have bothered mentioning it I'm just gonna shut up now.

Brother: "What's a good scary name for a cave? I need it for a game."
Me: "The Bat Cave."
Brother: "No."
Me: "The Cave of Doom."
Brother: "I don't you you get it."
Me: "Steve."
Brother: "..."

Sometimes I look at my stepsisters and see how the older one's favorite show is now Psych, and she's obsessed, and the younger one is now more into anime than me, and I think to myself "Ahhh, yes, the corruption is setting in nicely."

Do not mix grapefruit juice and sleeping pills on an empty stomach.
Yup. This was a bad idea.
In my defense, I thought their was pizza still in my stomach.
I was horribly, horribly wrong.

Dad: "[Stepsis], when me and your mom are old, will you take us in?"
[Stepsis]: "Well, at my house, you can have a nice comfy bed, good food, maybe a nurse to look after you while me and my husband are at work and the kids at school.
Or; you can be protected from zombies."
Me: "STOP TRYING TO STICK ME WITH THEM!"

The NHS induction ceremony would have been a lot more fun if instead of people walking across the stage one at a time to the joyous sound of awkward silence, we played the Imperial Death March.

You never really realize how weird your house is until you start cleaning and go "Why is a tree suspended from our living room ceiling?" And then you remember it's an old artifact from a boat with stakes it in and is nicknamed The Cross but that's slightly sacreligious.

I really want a microwave in my room so I can make tea without having to go downstairs, but if that was the case I'm pretty sure my family would never see me.
YES I MAKE TEA IN THE MICROWAVE I'M SORRY.

Jump roping in a skirt has been one of the worst ideas I've ever had. Or best. Haven't decided yet.
Did you know your skirt flies up when you jump? I didn't.

Me: "There's a rip in my tights that looks like a corndog!"
Stepsis: "You can't wear those tights then..."
Me: "Oh please, it's covered by the skirt. But look at it!"
Stepsis: "Did you run around showing your friends the rip?"
Me: "Yes..."
Stepsis: "Then you can't wear the tights."
Me: "I ONLY SHOWED TWO."

I got my first real babysitting job yesterday. I spent six hours with the cutest little kids ever.
They were 5 and 6, and pretty well behaved.
The little girl used my legs as a slide.
I know my legs are long but that is ridiculous.

I read them the book "Westlandia" which was a favorite of mine as a kid but really showed how different my childhood was.
How the heck did I as a four year old understand not only farming, but also society and the concept of civilization?

Earlier yesterday I went to my old elementary school's carnival with Hugger, Tie, Irish, and Horsegirl and it was weird. We scared little kids, swore a lot on a playground, and jumped in the bouncy house. ATTACK OF THE TEENAGERS!
We left halfway so to go to subway and I walk in and went "I'm still on drugs, I need to sit down."
I meant anti-depressants but only realized when Tie started chastising me how that could be misinterpreted.
Oh well...
I'M TOO NAIVE FOR THIS SHIT.

I had to change after the carnival to babysit so I went from tank top slightly edgy I had a fucking choker on to preppy with a yellow shirt and a red hair band like how did I make that transformation.
I AM A MASTER OF DISGUISE.

On the other hand I take time in Speech because I sit in the front row and my nickname in that class is The TimeKeeper but all doom and gloom.

Stepsis and I are planning on going to the renaissance festival next time it's happening by either going ourselves if we get permission or getting the parental units to take us.
I told her we could take a friend with us if I drove, but only one due to the limitations. We were thinking of people we both know.
I told her I wanted to make out with someone while dressed like an elf and she says "Well we're taking [my make out buddy she likes as a friend] so you don't do it with a stranger then."
Excellent plan!
Update://
It got better.
Me: Oh please you know I'm too awkward to go up and talk to new people
Her: But kissing is fine lol
Me: That seems like something I would do just walk up to an attractive guy and be like "So do you have a girlfriend?" "...Uh, no? Who are you?" "Okay wanna go make out now?"
And that is the extent of my talking.

Her: Oh angel of all that is good ... I don't want to be a witness

Me: If he has a friend it's your job to make awkward small talk and when he looks wildly at you like wtf just happened to my friend then you can be like "Yeah... that's my stepsister... She hates talking but likes kissing, and wants to do it while dressed as an elf. Eh."

Her: -.- I refuse to utter those words...

Me: What WOULD you say then?

Her: I would ask him if he wanted pie... If he said yes... We would go eat pie.

Me: You are my hero.

And Now We Get less Pathetic (Debatable)

So for Spring Break, I, like an intensely cool as I am, WENT PARTYING!
Ha.
No.
Me, my mom, and my brother went to Orlando. Not for Disney World, which would be slightly acceptable, but just for The Wizarding World of Harry Potter.

I'm in front of a store... idk which one... wearing my new Hogwarts jacket!

AND IT WAS FUCKING AWESOME.

Okay first off, Universal Studios is actually pretty cool. In the other park, they have a hat shop...
wait for it...
SHAPED LIKE A FUCKING BOWLER HAT.
It's pretty much the greatest store I've ever been in.
The Mummy was a pretty cool ride, the rollarcoaster interesting, and at the end of the day, I ran into a bunch of band kids that go to my old school. The ones I used to be in band with.
Yup.
So I hung out with Mirandola and Irish and even saw Hat and mostly scared a lot of band kids by showing up randomly.

And then they went back to Disney for the remainder of the trip and WE WENT TO HARRY POTTER WORLD.

We drank butterbeer and rode rides and spent way too much money rode The Forbidden Journey five times and it was great. For most people it was a two hour wait but we kept getting there right as it opened and right before it closed so the most we ever waited was ten minutes.

Quite possibly one of the best weeks of my life.

There were small pins of all the houses of Hogwarts plus the main one so we bought them and they work well as earrings.
I got a pygmy puff and named it Artie. He looks like a tribble. And that guy from horton hears a who.

This guy, but purple.

And then I came home and slept a lot and attempted to do homework.

YAY PRODUCTIVITY.

But I got bored.

And bad things happen when I get bored.

...I started a harem.

Harem (pronounced [haˈɾem], Turkish, from Arabic: حرم‎ ḥaram "forbidden place; sacrosanct, sanctum", related to حريم ḥarīm, "a sacred inviolable place; female members of the family" and حرام ḥarām, "forbidden; sacred") refers to the sphere of women in what is usually a polygynous household and their enclosed quarters which are forbidden to men. It originated in the Near East and is typically associated in the Western world with the Ottoman Empire. 

But, ya know, basically I just ask random hot guys that are good friends with me if they want to join and then we make out every so often.

Good stress reliever, I can wear sweats while doing it (YES), no problems associated with dating, and I don't care what they think of me or how I look because I can be wearing no make up, my hair in a bun, and in sweats and chances are they'd still probably make out with me. And if not, their loss.

So for those worried about me that I left you all with that depressing post, well, I'm doing better. I'm forcing myself to get out of the house, I've gone places with friends, went shopping with my stepmom and stepsis, bought dresses, am actually happy with how I look and what I wear, played tennis and went running, discovered that breaking into the track of a school is great, and realized that me "adorably" screaming is probably why my friends insist on pretending that they've lost control of the car when we go for a drive, and finally, I GOT MY PERMIT.

I'M A BIG KID NOW.

But yeah I may be getting on medication soon but I'm averagely happier than I used to be and my ex was actually civil to me today.

I've also started acting like Chip and Dale, the old cartoon, being myself as in very nice and being fair. I haven't had the luxury to be nice in years for fear of getting hurt, and I finally can again. So yay, I'M DOING OKAY!

(Also this is my 300th post so celebration time, I guess? I gift to you all unicorn poop cookies.)

Unicorn Poop!

I plan on making these one day. ADVENTURE!
Update:// Apparently the counter messed up this is the 299th. So...
Oops. Still stands.

In Which I Explain My Pathetic Life

So I haven't been blogging very much recently. If you bother to check, you probably knew this already.

I'm going to tell you why.

You see, a lot of stuff has been happening. I had an anxiety attack from being overwhelmed in which the only thing I wanted was pizza and was incapable of explaining what was wrong and that I was starving and the only thing coming out of my mouth were inhuman noises and I was rocking back and forth and having OCD attacks and everything felt wrong.

I also finally admitted I needed help.

So I'm back in therapy. I was in it in freshman year but dropped out due to no time. I'm back because my depression is still here and was making me suicidal, along with a bunch of other random problems.

I shall tell you the smallest one, as the others are too big to talk about.

For those who know me, I was dating this boy. Had been for over a year in fact. We broke up.
Now, for most people, breaking up is a final push. For me, I finally feel free.
I no longer rely on one opinion, one person to make it all better, one way to be happy. Why we broke up? Honestly, I think my depression was getting to him. I tried to talk to him but he didn't understand, and yet would get mad when I didn't talk to him. He used to get pissed at me when I was suicidal. Fun, right?
To be honest, he's a great guy, but he's not "the one" (dun dun duhhhhhhhhh) so it's not bothering me too much. I treat relationships at this time like training wheels.
First, I was sad. Then I got tired of that. So I made myself mad, said a lot of terrible things to him via facebook at 2 in the morning (go me, right?) and then I got over it.
He's avoiding me though. Which is ironic because I sit next to him.
In this class.
Right now.
Haven't said a word in this class for two weeks.
I try to help him avoid me by avoiding him. Sounds weird, but I think I may have fucked this dude up, maybe even a little, in bringing him down the whole time we dated. So if staying away from me helps him, I stay away. Not to say I did mess him up, as that would be rather self-centered of me. I don't know. I'll accept what I've been told as truth and do my best to help him by staying away.
I don't care either way, honestly. No difference to me if we're friends or not.

And it gave me the push to seek help, finally being free, no longer relying on someone who made it worse.

So I'm back in therapy, I should be put on medication in a few weeks, I'm hanging out with my friends more instead of hiding from the world in my room, and I took measures to make sure I don't get overwhelmed.

So that's all that happened to me lately that's been not funny. I'll be blogging a lot more now, so I shall tell you what is happening that IS funny, but as for now, hi. I'm sorry this got a tad sad.

In the meantime, here's a funny story.

Once, my brother was out sick the first few days of a week, and he came back and that evening had to sing in  a choir for his fourth grade concert.
He fainted.
While singing.
Fell off the bleachers and took another kid down with him.
I shouldn't find this so funny but I can't help it.

Yay Spammers!

Haven't been posting much lately, it's been sad. For everyone. So instead, I screenshotted (uhh... word choice?) comments I got on "Are you An Orgasm In My Mouth?"

If "Are You An Orgasm In My Mouth?" is vanilla, then I give up.