Wednesday, February 12, 2014

I'm Self-Destructing

What's going on in my life? I have no fucking clue.
I usually try to stay away from real talk on this blog and just talk about the funny shit but not today motherfuckers.

My parents are acting like children. They have been for a few months now. Which sucks for me as I now have to take over a bunch of responsibilities. Like figuring out which house we're supposed to be at. Making sure they don't yell at each other or me and my brother because of the other. Making sure they actually talk to each other so they can get their shit  together and act like real parents and maybe even raise us together. #divorcedparentprobs? Okay never doing that again. Hashtags and me do not mix.

Anyway, with all this added responsibility I have to step up and be more mature. However, much like the sims, I only have a certain amount of  points per trait. And all my maturity ones are going towards  being the one grown up in my family.
So I'm being a childish bitch towards my friends.

Yes, I can admit it. I snapped and called Tie out online, and made Horsegirl uncomfortable. When explaining, I apologized, that she was collateral damage.
Um.
This was a bad move.

See, this is what I think collateral damage is.

  • Collateral damage is damage to things that are incidental to the intended target. It is frequently used as a military term where it can refer to the incidental destruction of civilian property and non-combatant casualties. -Wikipedia
  • It means it wasn't intentionally hit, but was anyway. Now, I use this as I didn't mean to hurt you I'm sorry that wasn't my intent, but apparently it means I don't care you got hurt you just were in the way and sucks for you.

    When confronted, I lashed out. That's the bitch part.

    While I know all the logic behind it, how it is my fault, how it need to explain everything, talk face-to-face, and suck it up, I'm not.
    And that's the childish part.
    No amount of well articulated arguments will make me fix this. Eventually, I will get over myself, and be capable of being a good friend again. Hopefully.

    But for no? No. And it's lead to me saying awful things.

    I said my caring capability has shrunk to three. That I'm tired of being a good friend. That I'm tired of making an effort for Tie, who only hurts me and my friends. That I'm not able to be a good friend so fuck off.

    Why? I did a dick thing. And instead of owning up to it like a grown up, I've decided to sever all ties and stop trying in relationships. Wait... Isn't that how grown ups act? (Totally blaming my parents for setting awful examples.) What the fuck is wrong with me?

    I'm too prideful [dumb and stubborn] to apologize and admit fault. All I really want is to move on, pretend it never happened, not talk about it, and have everyone forget the past three days ever happened.

    But that's not possible, and until I can get my shit together enough to act like a grown up in the friendship facet of my life, I'm only talking to Irish, Sonny, and those I go to school with. Because that seems easy and uncomplicated.

    Do I really no longer care? Do I really want to stop being a good friend? No. But if I hurt everyone this was, in a small way, yell and then fade from their lives so they're angry and don't seek me out, then when I drop the ball again and really damage them or are, as usual, unable to help them, it won't hurt so much.

    I'm angry at Tie for being a terrible friend, and for every time I try to help he refuses it, yells, and overall makes me feel like an idiotic dumbass. His comments that seem so honest and straightforward belittle everything I find good in life.
    I pride myself in being good at advice. A lot of  it is joking, but it's obvious when it's not, and yet he and Hyperchild don't take it, then yell at me when stuff goes wrong.

    I'm tired of Tie hurting me and those I love, tired of crying over a boy I'm not even dating. So I did a last attempt to have him be a good person again, and when that inevitably failed, I gave up. I miss the boy I knew in third. I hate the man I know now. He's kind of a lil shit.

    Okay. Complaining over. Hopefully I can stop being the grown up to my parents and be able to be a decent friend again. Maybe.

    Your usual dumb jokes shall resume soon. Maybe.


    2 comments:

    1. Awww Zena it's okay. No ones perfect and sometimes, you have to let off the steam. Just don't think too much about it. If those people really are your friends and care about you, they'll know you're going through tough times and they'll let you steam off and forgive if you've been mean. Just stay calm. :)

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    2. I get the feeling because that's how I reacted back in middle school. Kinda a part to work on one day. But hey, maturity isn't really expected to be that much right now. And believe me your other self (not Sonny) is being beyond the most immature. By the way you can still talk to me dipwad. <3 x3

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